This little piggy is not moving house this year

See that little piggy? His head is above water... just.

It's a mystery why just five sleeps away from my birthday I am eating chocolate at 2.29pm.

At this rate I will be lucky to move to number 70 Skinny Street.

I lost 18 kilos but I've put weight back on in the past month. I don't know how much.

So disappointed in myself. But yet I'm still eating this chocolate.

It's totally a mental thing, this weight loss caper. And I'm mental.

I will check back in after hitting 4-0MG.

Not giving up. But then, I already did that, didn't I...

{Image found here}

To cook or not to cook

I love baking, I love preparing for parties, but I can't stand the day to day drudgery of cooking the evening meal.

It occurs to me that one of the strongest motivations for staying on the Commando programme is that if I go off it, I'll probably have to go back to cooking dinner again.

I'm staying on the programme.




[Image from here]

More than half way

How is this possible?

In February I felt like my weight was a battle that I would never win. I was resigned to making fat jokes about myself forever. I was okay with that - some of my jokes are really, really funny and I love nothing more than catching someone off guard by being un-PC about myself. Great fun.

But, of course, nice if you don't have to, right?

Now, in May, I am 19 kilos lighter and a part of me wonders how that happened.

I've tried to lose weight many, many times over my life. Starting at about 16 when I didn't know what I weighed, what I was meant to weigh or even how to get there. All I knew was that I was 'huge' and I needed to be 'not huge'.

Huge. What a joke. I was probably under-weight at the time, not over weight.

Years and years and years passed and somewhere along the 'weigh' I guess I just gave up losing that 'five kilos' that plagued me. I could never 'stay on a diet' for longer than... oh, two days, a day, a morning. It varied, but a week was a triumph and any more than that seemed completely unachievable. Even leading up to my wedding, when I was a total gym junkie, going up to five times a week, I still continued to eat and eat and everything stayed the same. It didn't bother me enough. I was still happy in my skin and proud to be me.

Five kilos became ten. Ten kilos became fifteen and then. Then.

I stacked it on. I knew that I was eating all the wrong foods in all the wrong amounts, but something in me didn't care. I was battling a bigger demon than my weight - sleep deprivation - and the sugar and carb cravings I was experiencing had to be endured to be believed. My body was tormented by blood sugar peaks and troughs and I was tormented by my failure again and again to 'stay on a diet'. I didn't want to live like a miserable, whoa-is-me person so I just gave into the sugar and found my inner 'fat and happy' chick.

Those sugar cravings. I have given up smoking after a long and committed addiction and I felt more cravings for sugar than I ever remember feeling for nicotine. The difference, I know, was that part of me felt I deserved the sugar and the same could never be said of my relationship with nicotine. I guess I wanted to give up smoking enough.

And so it goes.

Many of us have been there.

But I'm different now. Just different. After years of feeling like all I want is a bloody good sleep, I'm suddenly awake. I'll tell you more about what's different in my next post.

Thanks for listening. Talking about this stuff is really hard for me. Mostly because I worry that I'm boring and also because I worry that by saying it out loud, I might jinx it.

[Image via flickr]

Perspective

Okay, so I kinda got lost in the storm there for a while. Easter was the trigger and my own negligence was the ammo.

But you know what, this is a marathon, not a sprint. I'm good, I'm okay, I'm back in the sunshine again.

Things I learned this time:

1. Chocolate is not my friend.
2. Some part of me seems hell-bent on sabotaging my best efforts and I don't know why.
3. Making healthy choices is hard when you 'don't care'.

What's helping:

1. My three mantras: "it matters" and "if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got" (thanks Dr Phil) and "time passes regardless" (thank you Lucy).

2. Being mindful.

3. Remembering how far I've come but kind of ignoring it. Today is a new day and tomorrow will be the same if I don't make some changes today.

4. Focusing on what I CAN eat, rather than what I can't.

So, I'm getting there. It's been an excellent week. I'm almost 18 kilos down now and people are really starting to notice. Must remember that while I'm getting smaller my head mustn't get bigger!

Always a fan of Lucy...

[Image found here]

Fighting the Demon

I could kick myself. In fact, I need to.


I’ve lost my focus. I’m off the rails.

I’m still eating everything my Commando prepares for me. But I find myself adding stuff - quantities of stuff. Chocolate stuff. Almond stuff. Not good stuff.

I hate that the ‘eat what I want’ demon is still inside me even after 12 weeks of good, wholesome eating. I hate that even though I feel SO MUCH BETTER when I’m eating healthily, the demon is still feeding me stuff that makes my head hurt and my stomach gurgle. I hate that I’ve proved to myself that I can follow a plan and lose weight, yet here I am distracted by the demon and off the plan, not losing weight.

I hate that I can’t seem to kick that demon to the curb.

But I’m not giving up.

I don’t know what feeds the demon, but I’m determined that it won’t be me.

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Have you seen Lucy's fab new linky? Join in with any 'changing' moment you're in the middle of. It doesn't have to be weight-related. Are you renovating? Studying? Pregnant?

[Image found here]

I blame the bunny

So Easter, huh?

I have consumed my body weight in chocolate over the past four days. It was great at the time - that free feeling of 'stuff it' (or rather 'stuff me'). I rode that chocolate high like a thoroughbred racing for the Cup.

Now I've come down I'm just the grumpiest, meanest person around. It's like I've permanently got the cranky pants on and they're three sizes bigger than they were four days ago.

I've got to start thinking more like an addict and less like someone who can 'just have one'. I can't have just one. I can't even have just ten.

I blame the bunny. Why can't he hop around delivering carrots instead of the brown stuff?

[Insanely cute bunny image from here. Don't even look at me, bunny, you know what you've done.]

All quiet on the Skinny front

The trouble when things are going well for me is that I am just not that interesting.

I am losing weight.

My new regime feels 'normal' now.

There have been lapses here and there but nothing to write home (or blog!) about.

I am losing weight.

So, I'm really just getting on with packing those bags for my big move to number 40.

[Image via weheartit]